Today is Let’s Talk Day and people are talking, so I’m gonna talk.   Actually you might not be surprised because talking is something I do a lot! Yup, I’m pretty good about talking, I chit chat, make small talk, talk about the weather.  I’m also pretty famous for emotional heart to hearts, drawing others out so they’ll talk, or talking for others when they don’t feel comfortable.

But one thing I don’t talk about is being down, getting sad, feeling alone.  This goes against my public persona of a happy go lucky kinda gal.  As a little kid I experienced severe anxiety when feeling homesick or worrying about losing my family somehow…the fear determined my every movement off and on well into my teenage years.  I couldn’t deal with sleeping alone and slept on the floor of my parent’s room every night because I was not able to sleep if I didn’t know they were close to me.  This wasn’t me as a child having a nightmare; this was me as a young adult worried about losing my parents.  There were a couple of years in high school that I didn’t really leave my house without a family member or my best friend.  I think it was easier for my family to chalk it up to me being a bookworm…so I kept a book in my hand most times.   There were ups and downs but I worked hard on finding my independence and relying on myself more.

Going away to University and being on my own without my family brought on another bout of anxiety as I didn’t have my safety net to fall back on.  The panic attacks returned and some days I could not get out of bed and I would cry…a lot.  All new people, so far away from my friends and family was crushing to me.  But I eventually figured out ways of coping, made new friends, even unwisely kept my family at a distance so I wouldn’t constantly be reminded of how much I missed them and worry about something bad happening. My greatest fear came true when my father passed away when I was 22.  Those were dark days; it changed everything about my life.  And although I have experienced it and know I can survive it, it remains my worst fear and something I don’t really like to talk about or the anxiety it causes me.

I don’t talk about it because, well, it’s painful and is associated with a lot of painful memories.  It’s also admitting to a weakness which nobody likes to do.  I don’t want people at work to think I can’t handle stress or responsibility.  It’s a specific fear that sometimes gets too much for me to handle and affects me physically.  I think it’s also hard for my family and friends to hear as they feel responsible and want to help but don’t know how.  It’s not always beneficial to talk about it because I have no explanation for it, nothing happened in my childhood to cause it and I don’t know any solutions.  Also, who doesn’t worry about losing loved ones, so why should it affect me any differently?  Others go through experiences much worse than mine; my anxiety is manageable, so why should I complain?

Gradually the dark days ended, and it got better.  I’ve worked hard at it and continue to do so.  I’ve lived on my own since I was 18 and I have traveled pretty independently and extensively…something as a kid I never ever thought I would be able to do.  I’m pretty proud of my independence and it’s very important to me because I struggled with it so much growing up, and I’ve worked hard to achieve it.  I very stubbornly try to resist relying on others for anything.  I still experience bad times when the fear of losing a loved one overcomes me, and I constantly worry and stress about the relationships that I hold close.  I have the odd day or week here and there when the anxiety takes hold and my nights are sleepless and I have to call in sick to work because I can’t get out of bed or if I do go to work I end up staring straight ahead at my computer screen and not talking to any of my colleagues so sometimes it’s just easier on everyone if I stay at home.  Over the summer I thought I lost a friendship and I took it very badly, and last month one of my friends moved to Scotland which resulted in a tough week.  I experience a pretty bleak time just before and after Christmas every year like clockwork.  It’s such a sharp contrast to my personality in every day life that I think it’s a lot easier on everyone outside my little circle of close friends if I just keep it to myself.  I’m a super positive, happy, lively, goofy person…so it’s hard for people to understand that I have anxiety.  Usually when I finally confess my down times to somebody I get a disbelieving remark because there’s no way someone as happy as I am can ever feel anything close to depression or anxiety.  And I get it, I would react the same way I’m sure.  When others experience a down time it really kills me when I can’t fix it, when there’s no easy reason or solution for it.

I’ve come to understand my anxiety and what helps me cope.  Through some soul searching I’ve come to identify what triggers it.  I’ve learned who I can and can’t lean on when it happens, and that it’s ok to lean on them.  I have a very tiny community of close friends that I have kept for a long time and add to very carefully.  I’ve really only spoken about it in-depth to a handful of people, so I guess I’m also learning how to be more open about it through this blog post.  To be honest I’m not really ok with it, and I hate talking about it…but in the spirit of Let’s Talk Day and knowing that certain people I love have gone through severe bouts of anxiety or depression, maybe this will help :)

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